Most people perceive conflict as a setback or failure rather than as an opportunity. The reality is, no matter what you do or how you behave there will always be some conflict. The key to approaching conflict constructively is to recognise it as a process to be managed and not something to be avoided or eliminated.

Our natural inclination is to want to explain our side first, because we believe that if they understand our perspective, they will come to the same conclusions we did. Stephen Covey wrote: "Seek first to understand, then to be understood" in Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. The truth is that if we encourage others to explain their side first, they will be more open to listen to ours.

Effective communication starts with being a good listener. Listening is much more than being quiet so we can have our turn. It involves a real effort to understand another person's perspective.

A major drawback in conflict resolution is fear. Fear that we will not get what we want. Fear of losing something we value. Fear of losing face.

The biggest mistake we make is to believe that one of us has to lose if the other is going to win. We believe that the difference can only be resolved competitively.

The following skills have been proven to create successful human interaction by resolving conflict and to create win-win situations. Use it with your partner, family, colleagues, friends, during negotiations – with anyone.

If you really intend to resolve an issue, you will be willing to do the following:

INTENTION

Intend to fix the problem. If your intention is to win, don’t enter into conflict resolution discussions because nobody will win. All parties will leave the discussion dissatisfied and upset.

BLAMING

No "you" statements. Instead say: “I think” or “I feel” etc. It is easier for a person to hear: “I’m worried, because you are never late,” than “you dare you be so late!” I statements reflect feelings without causing the other person to feel defensive. If defensiveness is avoided in an argument, resolution is easier.

TURN THE TABLES

Be willing to see the other person’s point of view. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Ask yourself what you would have done if it were you.

ACKNOWLEDGE NEEDS AND FEARS

Write down everyone’s needs and fears and address each individually.

BE FAIR

Negotiate. Compromise.

MATCHING

Matching is when you deliberately lower your voice. The other party will most likely lower their voice as well, without realising that they have just been calmed down.

BE RESPECTFUL

Treat each other as equals and with respect. Remember you still have to work together.

LISTEN ACTIVELY

Listening involves more than simply hearing the words, it also requires active involvement that includes understanding, acknowledging, and responding. When actively listening you are also listening for content, meaning, and feelings. To make sure you understand what the person has said (especially when you think you disagree with the statement) paraphrase what you heard.

KEEP EMOTIONS IN CHECK

Take time out to calm down. Although Newton is famous for stating "for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction" he was referring to objects, not people. Objects react, but people can chose not to.

SEPARATE THE PERSON FROM THE PROBLEM

In every conflict there is the content of the problem and the human relationships to consider. Do not become personal and keep in mind that long after you have said the words, the damage can still be felt. Attack the problem, not the person.

REFRAME

Reframing means to reinterpret a statement or comment into a problem-solving frame. For example, if someone has an emotional outburst, don’t think of the person as being disrespectful and rude, but reframe your perception of that person as having limited communication skills. Help the other person to reframe the conflict into a problem by asking for their advice. For example, "What would you suggest I do? “ or “What would you do if you were in my shoes?" Being asked for advice is flattering and it provides an opportunity for the other person to become better informed about the problem. Begin your reframing question with "how", "why", "why not", "what" or "who".

ACKNOWLEDGE

Make sure that the other person knows that you understand them. Acknowledging that you understand someone does not necessarily mean that you agree with them.

REFEREE

Sometimes differences require the participation of a third party acting as “referee”.

MEDIATION

Mediation helps the participants to discuss issues, repair past injuries, and develop the tools needed to face disagreements effectively. Mediators may help participants face their blind spots, broaden their perspectives, and even muddle through the problem-solving process.

ARBITRATION

A manager as an arbiter may do everything a mediator does but will make a judgment in the end that the employees are expected to accept. The manager needs to clearly communicate his role.
It is preferable for all parties involved to have a conflict solved at the mediation rather than arbitration stage. Arbitration should be the last resort, especially when the two individuals will have to continue to work together. During the process of listening to the various perspectives, and before making a decision, an arbiter may wish to offer employees the opportunity to work out their own problem, or to work out difficulties through mediation. During arbitration, a judge and a judgment are needed. The arbiter cannot and should not try to make both parties happy with the decision. Most of the time it is simply not possible. It may be an admirable goal for mediation, but not for arbitration.

Effective solutions and better relationships are achieved through conflict resolution. Actively seeking resolution is proof of intellectual maturity and it’s a sure way of stepping up the corporate ladder.

By Elsabé Manning

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