The expectations we have of others have very little to do with the person we have the expectations about and has mostly to do with our own ideals, standards, needs and views projected onto the other person or people. Then we expect them to live up to these expectations.

We often expect someone to be sad, happy or upset – and when they are not, we are surprised or even hurt, because that is how we would feel or react in the same situation! Remember the last time you did something wonderful or nice for someone else and they did not react the way you expected them to? They did not show the same excitement you would have if someone had done the same wonderful or nice thing for you – and that confused you because you wrongfully expected them to think and feel the way you would in the same situation. Their behaviour is in contrast with the standards we associated with them and that leads to us feeling hurt, offended, betrayed, angry or confused. This leads to expressions such as “I expected more from you…” even though there was clear evidence that they may not live up to your expectations – right from the start.

We simply ignore all the behavioural evidence that confirm the contrary over a period of time and choose to only allow through the information that supports our pre-conceived views of who we want that person to be. Even though people show us exactly who they are, we filter the information and choose the fantasy we have conjured up about them, because “they are going to make us happy by fulfilling all our needs and living up to our standards and expectations.”

It is time to stop expecting and projecting our own needs, desires, beliefs, hopes and dreams onto people and to stop turning a blind eye to the other person’s authentic personality. Facing the truth about others will save us from the pain which results from the inevitable let-downs and unmet expectations we have of them.

I am sure we have all experienced someone else’s projections, illusions, fantasies, assumptions and expectations about us at some point – and felt the pressure it puts on us to conform to their agenda or to act out their expectations and fantasies of us. Our fear of rejection or abandonment may be so overwhelming that we start behaving differently because “unless we do, we will not be accepted, liked or loved.”

You need to consider whether or how you reinforce or contribute to other people’s illusions, projections and expectations of you through your constant efforts to please them. Sometimes our need for acceptance and love is so great that we change our own values and principles to please someone else.

Embracing someone else’s authenticity confirms your unconditional acceptance of them. It is confirmation of our insight and high levels of emotional maturity. It puts an end to the emotional pain caused by constant disappointment due to unmet expectations of one another and it creates deep emotional bonding.

By Elsabé Manning

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