Relationships may become dysfunctional when we repeat unproductive patterns from our past. The painful experiences from our childhood form our beliefs about life, others and ourselves. It impacts on all our professional and personal relationships because our behaviour is governed (determined) by our beliefs.

If you grew up in a loving, supportive home where you were allowed to express your emotions and made to feel and believe that you were worthy and valuable, you are very lucky indeed because children who grow up in such a supportive environment are likely to form healthy, open relationships in adulthood.

Parents who are ill-equipped to meet their children’s emotional and physical needs normally have poor communication patterns - such as interrupting; demanding; not listening; lying; verbal attacks; defensiveness; shouting; etc. This will severely limit their child's expressions of feelings and needs. Children growing up in dysfunctional families are very likely to develop low self esteem and they may feel that their needs are not important enough to be taken seriously by their parents and others. Beliefs of not being good enough or worthy develop and the child may ‘act out’ in anger and pain. ‘Acting out’ is defined as the release of out-of-control aggressive or sexual impulses in order to gain relief from tension or anxiety. Such impulses often result in anti-social or delinquent behaviours.

Problems identified for this group of children include the following:

Low sense of self-worth
Low attention span
Difficult to comfort or calm
Timid and shy
Increased aggression - hence the ‘acting out’
Poor results when academically tested for early skills
Negative responses to attending school
Inability to form positive relationships with other children

Abused and/or neglected children often find it very difficult to see their families as ‘normal.’ They play the situation down in order to make it seem normal and acceptable to others and themselves. For instance, the child may deny that they were beaten. They may tell others that “it was just a slap.” Denying and defending the situation (or parents) is an effort to make it acceptable to others but unfortunately it results in them misinterpreting themselves and as a result they develop a negative self concept – for example: They may develop beliefs such as ‘I deserved it because I am not good enough.’

Abused and neglected children form dysfunctional relationship as adults because they repeat the same patterns over and over again not realising that they need to break the patterns in order to become loving, supportive spouses and parents.
Children (even adult children) from dysfunctional families often need and crave their parent’s approval and/or ‘permission’ to change but it is seldom given because it is viewed as a threat by the parents. It is up to the child to trust their own perceptions and feelings.

What to do

Identify painful experiences that happened during your childhood;

	Forgive the people who hurt you. Remember, they don’t have to know that you have forgiven them. If you feel any anger, resentment or pain afterwards, it means that you have not yet truly let go of the pain. Read my article about forgiveness on my website: www.successfactory.co.za;
	Make a list of all your behaviours, thoughts and beliefs that you would like to change. Next to each item on the list, write down the behaviours, thoughts and beliefs that you would like to do or have instead;
	Choose one of the items on your list and start practicing the new alternate behaviour, thought or belief. Remember, a habit takes twenty one days to form. Practice your new behaviour, thought and beliefs often. (Write affirmations to help change your behaviours, thoughts and beliefs – see my article on affirmation on my website www.successfactory.co.za);
	A very important step in changing your behaviour, thoughts and beliefs is counselling or therapy. A good counsellor or therapist will help you to identify and heal issues which are hampering or preventing your development, growth and spiritual evolution.

Remember:

You are not perfect. Nobody is perfect.
Stop defending your family, their past and present behaviours, words and beliefs.
Realise that you cannot change anyone but yourself.

	If you do not wish to do something that your parents expect you to do, remain respectful and loving – but let them know that you are not going to do it.
	Decide on what you want for your own happiness and future and do it. Get yourself a coach to help you to achieve your goals.
	Once you stop behaving the way you used to there may be adverse reactions from your family, friends and colleagues. Anticipate what their reactions will be. For example: tears; shouting; withdrawal; threats; blame; manipulation; jealousy - or any other intimidating responses) and decide early on how you will respond to their reaction – then do it!
	Remain true to yourself and change anyway!
	Don't become despondent if you find yourself slipping back into old patterns of behaviour. It may take a while, but you will get there. Evolve! Grow and develop! - On purpose!

By Elsabé Manning