Couples are simply no longer satisfied to be in companionable relationships like our parents and grandparents were. We want much more than that. We want a mate who is a lifelong lover; a companion; honest, open communication; total commitment; emotional maturity and an excellent parent for our children - but none of us are skilled enough to deliver on such a relationship. So now what?

If you like your relationship the way it is, then carry on doing what you’re doing, but if you don’t like your relationship you need to change the way you do things.

Terrence Real, head of the Relational Life Institute in Cambridge, Massachusetts, also a family therapist who has helped countless couples to rescue relationships that appear to be unsalvageable, wrote five winning strategies that will rescue even the most unsalvageable relationships. He said that we all fall in love with people who will heal us or at least with whom we think our nastiness will be avoided and we all wind up with someone exquisitely designed to stick the burning spear right into our eyeballs. That's because we all marry our unfinished business. We all marry our mothers and fathers. We all become our mothers and fathers, in part because that's the template of relationship we've internalised but also because we want to heal it. We pick people who will throw us into the old drama but whose qualities allow for a different outcome.

Real says that the trouble is that we think we'll be healed when we wrest from our partners what we deserved but didn't get from our parents. "The irony is that our very attempts to get this out of our partners, and our reactions when we don't, fuel our misery!”

When our expectations aren't met we don't just sit quietly with our disappointment - we often resort to hurting each other because we want to be right and we want to control our partner through hurtful communication, retaliation or by withdrawing from them.

Relationships can heal us, says Real. “Not by having our partners give us what we never got but by using the relationship as a crucible in which we grow and handle our inner brat on our own.”

Hot couples, says Real, need cool skills. First they need to know how to handle themselves when their buttons get pushed. "There are lots of circuit-breakers for when you lose it," says Real. “You can breathe deeply and take time out. But you need to understand that 'losing it' is a choice."

In his book ‘The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Make Love Work’ Real identifies five winning strategies:

	Go after what you want. But before you open your mouth, ask yourself: "What do I really want right now?"
	Complain constructively. Don't complain to your partner about what he isn't giving you. You must shift the negative into a positive. Real says that every complaint is really a wish. "Better to cut out the complaint and get right to the wish – “I'm mad at the way you talk to me” translates into “I would really like it if you could talk to me this way.”
	Listen and respond generously. "Neither men nor women feel listened to. Men commonly feel unappreciated. They want someone to listen, pat them on the head for how hard they're working, and tell them what a good job they're doing."
	Empower one another. Real says that anger regularly stems from helplessness. "If you're walking around angry, it's often because you're trying to control some thing and it's not cooperating. The way to be less angry is to let go of your control."
	Cherish what you have. Real says that we should keep our eyes on the prize. "Remember the person you're speaking to is someone you love. If you can't remember that because you are too angry and hurt at the moment, at least remember you have to live with them."

By Elsabé Manning