What is co-dependency?

Humans have basic needs which are met in a normal, healthy family. These needs, apart from the physical needs are love; acceptance; trust; recognition; respect; companionship etc. Unfortunately these needs are not met in dysfunctional families. When a child experiences severe emotional stress such as abuse of any nature (sexual, physical or emotional) the child’s needs are not met they become preoccupied by other behaviours and they withdraw into themselves. A false perception of ‘self’ emerges in the child. This ‘self’ is incapable of getting his or her needs met and as an adult, their own needs and true feelings go ignored because the learnt behaviour from childhood is to ignore ones own needs and feelings. The child within the adult still craves for these needs to be met (by others) and unfortunately the result is that the unfulfilled adult may start experiencing depression; rage; addictions and actions that may lead to varying degrees of pain for themselves or others.

Some co-dependency behaviours:

Holding yourself responsible for other peoples feelings and behaviours;
Often cannot identify your own emotions such as:

Difficulty expressing your feelings and emotions;
Finding it difficult, if not impossible, to say ‘no’;

To be accepted and loved by a ‘significant other’ you will ignore or question your own values;

Fear about how others may respond if you do express your feelings;
Difficulty forming and maintaining close or intimate relationships;
Fear of rejection;
Fear of being hurt by others;
Perfectionism - too many or too high expectations of yourself and/or others;
You are uncertain and it’s difficult for you to make decisions;

Minimising or denying the truth about how you feel – convincing yourself that it’s really not that bad;

Your response is mostly based on other people’s actions; attitudes and feelings like anger;

Placing other people’s needs before your own;
Others’ opinions are more valuable than your own;

Your self-esteem only gets a boost from external influences – hardly ever from internal beliefs about yourself;

In order to have relationships with others you need to be needed (badly) by others;
Constantly judging yourself, believing that you are not good enough;
Finding it difficult or impossible to acknowledge good things about yourself;

	Your inner-peace and attitudes are determined by how others are feeling and behaving towards you;
	You believe that it is wrong or weak to be vulnerable or to ask for help with anything or for favours;
	You believe it is wrong or unacceptable to discuss family issues and problems outside of your family;
	You are loyal even when that loyalty is unjustified or harmful to you.

How to overcome co-dependency

	The key to healing co-dependency would be to find out what your inner-child’s emotional needs are and to learn how to start meeting your inner-child’s needs. By discovering how to meet those needs we are re-learning how to love and respect ourselves. What did you need emotionally as a child? Love; acceptance; understanding; freedom to speak your truth; support etc.
	Forgive your parents and/or care-givers from your childhood. True forgiveness is not just saying that you forgive them – you need to truly understand that they were incapable; unable; ignorant or simply did not have the capacity at the time to satisfy your emotional needs. Unless you can truly understand their situation, you cannot really forgive them. Forgiving someone is not about releasing them – it is about releasing yourself from the burden of bitterness, anger and pain;
	Start to give to yourself the emotional support, love and acceptance that should have been given to you as child. Use affirmations to change your beliefs about yourself and your life – see the article on ‘Affirmations’ on my website – www.successfactory.co.za
	Stop letting other people determine who you are and how you feel by learning to identify your own emotions and needs – and then make sure that they are met.

Dealing with your co-dependency issues will bring about healing and create closeness between you and your partner because the quality of your relationship will no longer be compromised by your need to be so dependent on him or her.

BY ELSABÉ MANNING

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