A dysfunctional relationship is when two people enter into an unspoken emotional ‘contract’ to meet each other’s needs – destructively. For instance Jane may feel inadequate for various reasons and as a result she is unable to take care of herself, so she gives up her independence and allows her partner to run (control) her life. This relationship serves her well because all her emotional and dependency needs are met. This may even happen to a man who needs a mother-figure to take care of him.

In a healthy relationship the two partners will help each other to overcome emotional issues instead of ‘carrying’ it for them.

Jennifer has low self-esteem and many emotional issues – one of them is a fear of commitment. She wants to avoid feeling vulnerable in the relationship. Her emotional distance causes her partner to have an affair, but instead of accepting responsibility for her share in the dysfunctional relationship, she plays the ‘victim’. This gives her the opportunity to feel morally superior because she was ‘wronged’. She becomes even more distant and she criticises everything her partner does – which gives him the ‘right’ to sleep around because ‘she’s so distant’ and ‘emotionally unavailable’ to him.

In a dysfunctional relationship such as this one, the two partners can justify their behaviour (based on their partner’s wrongful behaviour) without having to subject themselves to feeling vulnerable.

This relationship will end when the cost of the emotional ‘contract’ becomes too high.

Some symptoms of a dysfunctional relationship:

A belief that you have to ‘fit’ your partner’s perceptions of right or wrong in order to be loved

Your partner has to ‘complete’ you
Your partner is responsible for your happiness
· There is always something amiss or wrong in the relationship
You feel like you're settling for less
You feel diminished in the relationship
Your needs are not met
You're never going to be good enough
You feel trapped
You don’t want the relationship, but you are afraid to leave

Some symptoms of a healthy relationship:

You both feel honoured to be in the relationship

You ‘experience’ life every day – you don’t just go through the motions of getting up, going to work and going to bed

You support each other
You can be yourself and you allow your partner to be who they really are
You trust each other
There is mutual respect for each other
You both feel secure in the relationship
You have open communication
There is acceptance of each other
Your relationship is based on integrity

There seems to be a knowing about the other person that goes beyond this time and space - as if you had known each other before

You wonder how you ever got this lucky
You have fun together
You genuinely want to spend the rest of your lives together – no matter what

By Elsabé Manning

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