What is vulnerability?

Feeling of being fragile, weak, or susceptible to emotional pain and suffering.
Feeling of being trapped in a situation where your feelings and rights are ignored.

	Opening yourself to the possibility of being taken advantage of or being hurt by another person in a relationship.
	Sharing your innermost feelings and fears with others with the possibility that they might use it against you.

Delving into unresolved past issues in order to heal your life.
Adopting new behaviours, attitudes, or beliefs in order to grow and evolve.
The courage to hear the truth about yourself through honest feedback from others.
Willingness to take risks - even though the outcome is unsure.

Why do people avoid vulnerability?

Self-preservation
Insecurity and lack of self-confidence
Lack of trust in self and others
Fear of the unknown
Inability to forgive and to let go of pain, anger, resentment and bitterness
A strong need for privacy and confidentiality
Denial - refusal to face life as it really is.
Unwillingness to [accept] change
Unwillingness to feel or show your own emotions
Lack of acceptance of self

What behaviours do people display when they are avoiding being vulnerable?

Defensiveness; attacking others verbally; blaming others instead of accepting responsibility for their own life experiences
Refusing coaching, counselling, psychotherapy or group therapy
Always appearing to be ‘together’ and strong
‘Pleasing’ others by hiding their moods, emotions and pain
True feelings are deliberately suppressed in order to keep it hidden
Inability to identify and express their own feelings of pain in emotional conversations
Hesitant to meet new people due to fear of rejection or disapproval
Resisting changing behavioural patterns or to see a different perspective

Beliefs of people who avoid being vulnerable

It’s better to remain totally private and not to say too much about myself. It’s too risky
‘Cowboys’ don’t cry
I will never let anyone hurt me again
Digging up the past serves no purpose
I will never trust again

How can vulnerability serve you?

	Risking vulnerability means that you are open to new possibilities and new experiences which will enable you to explore more growth-enhancing alternatives for yourself.
	Vulnerability also means that you will be open to being helped through a support group or counselling which will help you to cope with your life and circumstances which have had an emotional impact on your life.
	Vulnerability will allow you to experience social interactions which you may have denied yourself up to now – more social interaction will enable you to meet new people who may form part of your emotional support group.
	Vulnerability also means that you should let others see your negative side. This will release you from the burden of always having to be perfect in everyone’s eyes.
	Vulnerability will also remove the burden of being the ‘fixer’ of everyone’s problems because for once, they will have to be there you when you speak the truth about your problems, issues or pain.
	A combination of vulnerability and good communication will enable you to identify and clarify the areas in which you need to grow, change or improve and it will strengthen your relationships with the people you allow yourself to be vulnerable with.
	Allowing yourself to be vulnerable will help you to deal with emotional issues and beliefs that have prevented you from living a full joyful life.
	Vulnerability also means that you will create authentic, supportive and growth-enhancing relationships.
	Vulnerability will allow you to ‘experience’ your own emotions and to introspect. Introspection is the first step to emotional maturity – and it will enable you to be realistic about your issues, problems and your own ‘dark’ side. It will help you to heal your life and to grow beyond your wildest dreams.
	Being open to altering your behaviour patterns will allow you to change unproductive habits that prevent emotional and personal growth.

How to allow yourself to be vulnerable

Try new behaviours – like crying when you want to - instead of suppressing it
Take some risks – in spite of being fearful of consequences
Initiating communication and interaction with strangers
Allow yourself to tune into the feelings of others - and your own!

Be willing to seek help for yourself – perhaps in the form of a support group or counselling

Allow others to help you or to listen to your issues or problems
Be honest with others instead of lying in order to avoid conflict or embarrassment
Welcome change into your life. It’s growth!
Explore reasons and motives for your behaviour, thoughts (self-talk), words and actions
Admit your fears and weaknesses to yourself and others
Be honest and direct about your feelings, beliefs, and attitudes when discussing them
Be willing to listen - without defending yourself - to honest, constructive feedback
Begin to deal with your own anger in a respectful manner

Let go of fears, guilt, hostility, bitterness, resentment and anger because suppressed emotions will change your body on a cellular level and you may become very, very ill

Trust other people’s good intentions
Allow yourself to be weak or emotional in the presence of others
Accept your weaknesses, failures, fears and mistakes as being human

Identify and understand your reasons for risking vulnerability. If it proves too difficult, read this article again and again until you understand and believe the benefits of breaking down the ‘walls’ you have built around yourself in order to protect yourself from more emotional pain

Next week: Fixing a dysfunctional relationship

By Elsabé Manning
Author of Up The Corporate Ladder - Professionalism in the Workplace. Now available in all bookstores.

Success Factory won The 2006 Mijima Award!